Joey’s Complaints – Winter 2010

 

 

#10 – NEW YORK CITY HOUSING COSTS

 

“The cost of living here in NYC has become ridiculous.  If you rent, it’s about $1,000.00 per square inch.  If you’re a roach and you want to live here, you’d better have a damn good job!!

No one can afford to live here unless they have six roommates or they have stolen a lot of money.”

 

#9 – THE BANK IS NOT YOUR FRIEND

 

“Banks don’t like it when you don’t use your credit card.  They want you to use them all the time and as much as possible.

The poorer you are, the poorer they can keep you.  The less you have, the more that they can punish you.

The more punished you are, the less chance you have to get out of your low self-esteem, and the harder it is to find a job that doesn’t exist anyway.”

 

#8 – THE PUMMELING OF GOVERNOR PATERSON

 

“I know Governor Paterson, and he’s actually a pretty nice guy.  How could he be a bad guy? He listens to THIS SHOW!

He’s come under fire lately for a few things, but you know, it’s a tough time to be ANYTHING.  How can you be expected to do a good job setting a State Budget when people can’t even set one for a family?

Once he announced that he would not run for another term, the vultures REALLY descended on him.

What he should do is to remind them---“Hey, I’ve still got control of this ELECTRIC CHAIR!”

 

#7 – WE’VE GOT TO FORCE PEOPLE TO STAY OUT OF DEBT

 

“What we need to do here in America is adopt the “Ray Kroc Philosophy”. Ray is the guy who founded McDonalds, and he was the first guy to get his money UP FRONT.  You walk up to the counter, you give them your money, and THEN you get your hamburger and fries.  He was the first guy to do it that way.

Before that, you could go into a diner—sit down---enjoy your meal—and then sneak out without paying the tab.

You see, here in America we BILL people, and everybody goes broke because people don’t pay their bills.

Ray Kroc had it all figured out long ago.  You want a burger? Fine. Give me the money first.

We should all focus on getting our money up front!”

 

#6 – RIDICULOUS LEGAL PROCEEDINGS

 

“There is some interesting news today from my hometown of Buffalo.  There is a 100 year-old man who is the oldest registered sex offender in the State of New York, and he is about to be released from jail.  He plans to live alone in an apartment in Buffalo.

The Erie County District Attorney does NOT want him to be released because he feels that the guy is still a threat!

C’mon---the guy is 100 YEARS OLD, and those two women he molested are in their mid-eighties and have been in a home for quite some time now!  He’s not going to bother them---he’s not going to bother ANYBODY!  There isn’t enough Viagra in the WORLD for this guy!”

 

#5 – THE AIRLINES CONTINUE TO SUCK

 

“So I have a little “Jetblue Lag” tonight.  I flew back here from Florida today and was forced to sit next to a 600 pound guy.  The seat belt would not even fit around him!  So I spent two and a half hours SQUASHED up against the window.

Now I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings.  Plus, I was a little scared---- he kept looking at me like I was his lunch!

So when the plane finally landed at Kennedy and the guy got up, I was like an accordion unfolding from the window.

On the way out, I felt like throwing a grenade into the cockpit!”

 

#4 – THE CHANGES AT DISNEYLAND

 

“The first time I went to Disneyland and the Magic Kingdom, I was smoking pot.  I don’t think people do that anymore, but back then we did.

And at Disneyland back then, you couldn’t wear jeans.  There was no drinking allowed and no liquor for sale anywhere in the place.

But now things have changed.  There is all the booze you want and people carry around bongs on their belt.  And they have this thing called Disney on Ice where they bring Walt’s body out and roll it around!

And terrorism has become a theme.  You take a ride around in a tank and troops sing “It’s a strange world after all” in different languages.”

 

#3 – THE SPIRITUAL BELIEFS OF OPRAH

 

“So, Oprah has announced her early retirement.

Now I go back a long way with Oprah because the woman who produced my show in Miami is the one who discovered her and put her on the air in Baltimore.  It was somewhat amusing, because Oprah is a “Sister of Size” and she was paired up with a skinny little guy named Richard.

Then, she went on alone to Chicago where they had her do the “Donahue” show with a woman as the hostess---and it has been very successful.

And Oprah is very spiritual.  She believes in having 300 billion dollars, which is more than God!

When God needs money, he calls Oprah!”

 

#2 - OUR QUALITY OF LIFE HAS DIMINISHED

 

“We just don’t have the quality of life that we used to.  Take the airport for example.  Flying used to be fun.  You didn’t have to take off your shoes; you just walked right into the plane.  In some cases, you could even pay for your ticket on board.  And they’d serve you nicely, even putting a little cloth and flower on your tray table.  Even in coach, you were treated very well.

Nothing goes on like that anymore, but you still have to listen to that damn “Takeoff Speech” every time out.  It’s like every flight is a “Beginner’s Flight”

And there is no point in telling me how to use the seat cushion as a floatation device.  I will have wet my Depends and fainted long before I can do that!

Of course, you can STILL get top of the line treatment if you really want it. As you board, just give the guy at the door $100.00, and you’ll be served well and get plenty of potato chips.”

 

#1 – YOU THINK YOU’RE PREPARED, BUT YOU’RE NOT

 

“I don’t normally talk about this on the air, but I believe in being prepared.

When I die, I don’t want my daughters to have to run around and spend money, so I’ve already made some arrangements.

I’ve purchased a nice black suit and a $2,000.00 coffin.  I’ve got the suit---I’ve got the box---I’m all ready to go!

The only thing I wasn’t prepared for was WOR putting the nails in the coffin for me!”